Condolence messages: what to write when you cannot find the words

The fear of saying the wrong thing stops a lot of people from saying anything at all, and that silence is the one real mistake. Bereaved families rarely remember the exact words anyone wrote to them. They remember very well who wrote and who said nothing.

Three things carry a message. Use the first name of the person who died, in place of "the deceased". Say one true thing, however small, instead of a fine general sentence. And offer help that has a shape: "I'm coming round on Thursday with a pot of soup" helps, "let me know if you need anything" helps nobody, because nobody dares.

Ten messages you can send as they stand — by text, on WhatsApp, in an online book of condolences or on a small card. Tap "Copy" and change the first name.

The tone changes less than the length. The closer you were, the shorter the message can be: between people who are close, one sentence does the job. The more professional the relationship, the more the form counts.

To a close relative. No need for sentences. What counts is being there and being specific: a date, a lift, a meal, someone to take the children for a day.

To a friend. This is where one precise memory is worth every condolence in the world. Tell them about a scene, however ordinary.

To a colleague. Stay human without stepping into what is private, and say nothing about the work or about the day they are due back at the office.

To a neighbour. Living next door means you can help within the hour, which is usually worth more than a long message.

In a business relationship. Client, supplier, partner: a short message signed in the company's name, sent by post or by email. No logo, no sales signature, and no mention of the contract in progress.

A few safe English phrases, from the most restrained to the warmest: "Sincere condolences", "I am so sorry for your loss", "With deepest sympathy", "My thoughts are with you", "Thinking of you all". Any of them can be signed and sent as it stands.

The habits of the language around you are worth knowing, because you will hear them at the service. In French-speaking Switzerland the word sympathie is ordinary: "toute notre sympathie" and "avec nos sentiments de vive sympathie" appear in death notices every week, where readers from France sometimes find the word surprising. So does "nous prenons part à votre peine", warmer than "sincères condoléances" and less solemn, and often the best compromise when you barely know the family.

Two more things you will meet in the French-speaking cantons. The printed notice goes by avis mortuaire more often than avis de décès; in the German-speaking cantons it is a Todesanzeige. And the service is frequently followed by les honneurs, when everyone present files past the family to shake hands. One sentence is enough there, and the look on your face carries more than the text.

Here is what is better left out:

The card is still the gesture people appreciate most, because it gets kept. Americans know it as a sympathy card; it is the same object.

The format. A plain card, white or cream, written by hand in blue or black ink. No fanciful illustrated card, nothing printed. If your handwriting is hard to read, write more slowly instead of typing the text.

The length. Three to five lines. A structure that always works: name the person who died, say one true thing or recall a memory, express your support, offer something concrete, sign with your full name if the family only knows you by sight.

The timing. In the days after the announcement, ideally before the service. A card that arrives three weeks later is far from out of place: that is often the moment when the silence sets in and the family feels most alone. It is never too late.

Getting it there. By post, to the address given on the death notice, or left at the entrance on the day of the service. If you enclose a donation, put it in a separate envelope with your name on it.

No, and nobody expects a reply message by message. A bereaved family sometimes receives two hundred messages in a week, and answering each one is out of reach.

The Swiss custom is simpler. A few weeks after the funeral, the family sends out its words of gratitude: one card, often a single sentence, sent to everyone who wrote, sent flowers or made a donation, or a notice published in the newspaper. It travels in the opposite direction from condolences, and it comes afterwards.

If you are on the family's side and it weighs on you, nothing obliges you to do it, and there is no deadline. A single message published on the person's page, thanking everybody at once, is perfectly accepted today.

One rule outranks all the others: if the death notice asks for no flowers, follow it to the letter. English notices word it "Family flowers only" or "No flowers, by request"; a French notice says "ni fleurs ni couronnes", a German one "anstelle von Blumen". It is an explicit wish from the family, usually paired with a suggested donation. Sending flowers anyway puts them in an awkward position.

In every other case the words matter, because they decide what you order. The names travel with the language: what a florist in Lausanne calls a gerbe is a Gesteck in Zurich, a couronne is a Kranz, a simple bouquet a Trauerstrauss.

Three practical points. Flowers are delivered to the funeral home or to the place of the service, never to the family's home, and they have to arrive at least two hours before it starts. Always enclose a card with your name, or the family will not know who the flowers came from and cannot thank you. And do not try to send something bigger than everyone else: with funeral flowers, restraint is always on the right side.

The custom is spreading fast in Switzerland. In place of flowers that fade within a week, the family invites people to support a cause that mattered to the person who died: a patients' association, a local foundation, a palliative care service, a village society.

The procedure is simple. The death notice gives the name of the organisation and its bank details. You pay whatever amount you want, and nobody has to know what it was: in Swiss practice the organisation sends the family the list of donors, almost always without the amounts. Put "in memory of" and the person's name in the payment reference, which is what ties your gift to the death.

Two questions come back. How much to give: the equivalent of what you would have spent on flowers is a reasonable marker, and nobody is checking. Whether you can do both: yes, though when the family has asked for no flowers, the donation on its own is the right answer.

If you would like to leave something lasting and visible, some families suggest a tree planted in memory, which takes the place of the wreath and is still there years later.